So, I decided to start my own blogger. I've stopped writing my original one awhile ago. I think I'll pick that one back up when I go to school. But writing down my actual feelings there, instead of day-to-day happenings...felt unsafe. I wanted to write something out of way from the eyes of the people I knew. But I feel as though if they don't see it, this will be worthless. So I don't know, I don't know.
I wanted a forum, a place to express myself, instead of being portrayed through third hand accounts. So.....I guess this is my story.
I love Jason very very much. I love him with everything that I have. I couldn't possibly imagine getting as close emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, to anyone else. I feel safe with him, I feel very happy with him. I would like him to be there forever. But as of late, something has gotten in the way of all this, to me anyway. I feel intruders, something attacking, trying to take away what I have with Jason.
You see, Jason doesn't have very many male friends, his group of friends is mostly comprised of women. So much so infact, that there are times when he goes out with them and he'll be the only male there. I don't feel this is right. I REALLY don't feel this is right. And in the events leading up to now, I hope to explain why.
I guess it all started back in February. I was at college (which isn't far away from Jason at all, 20 minutes) and I was talking with Jason as usual on the phone. Jason was in the middle of his senior year in his school. I knew he had a new group of people that he had started to hang out with, and the most of them were girls. I was okay with this. I was happy that I didn't have to worry about jason being lonely anymore, that he found people to talk to. Jason was okay, jason was happy, so I was happy. I had never given it a second thought.
But then one day, he told me that one of the girls, Jenny, had developed a crush on him. Now, this wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't known that before Jason and I started to go out, he had had a brief crush on Jenny herself. So of course, I was furious, upset, mad, angry at this whole scenerio. I wanted him to stop all contact with her immediately. I wanted to stop the problem before it got started. But jason convinced me through long hours, many hurts feelings, and much crying, that he was totally and utterly devoted to me. That all of this meant nothing, that he had no feelings for her at all. And that he wanted to keep her as a friend, because he didn't have many friends. And he went for the guilt trip. "It's so easy for you to make friends, I have to work hard to make any at all." Boom. Instant guilt trip. So I said okay, it's okay to keep her as a friend. But there was a condition. Don't get close with her, stay friendly, stay cordial, but don't get too close. He agreed. I didn't like that he was staying friends with her, but I could deal with it, and I could handle it. Everything was okay.
Fast forward to the end of April. Jason had joined a group called Odessy of the Mind. They went on a few overnight competitions, one of which he had just gotten back from a couple days before. He had made friends with the people in that group, one of them being, surprise surprise, Jenny. Again, I wasn't thrilled with Jason spend a weekend with her, but I trusted him, I was okay. We were sitting in my room at college, just talking. I had a huge paper due the next day, but I wanted to spend time with Jason. And then he dropped the bomb shell. "I don't know if I want to be with you anymore, I need some time to myself without you." He had explained that he had gotten comfortable being around other people, before that time, I was the only one he had been comfortable with. So he doubted if "I was the one." If he could also be comfortable with other people, how did he know for sure that he was supposed to be with me? And then he left, he didn't talk to me for a week.
That week had to have been one of the worst times in my life. That night, I had to write an 8 page paper that I bearly got through. And the rest of the week was absolutely horrid. I cried all the time, I wouldn't eat anything. I couldn't concentrate on anything else, I had to hold back my tears in class. And then, I just went numb for a while, I couldn't feel anything, because the pain had overwhelmed me. I just kept asking "why?" I kept looking for an answer, a way to fix everything. Was it the fact that he was finishing high school? Was he going through the "oh my god i'm getting out of school i don't know what i want to do with my life am i on the right path for what i want" thing. Or could it have been that weekend that he spent with all of his "friends." Did something happen that he was considering being with someone else? Was it these other girls, these new found "friends" that had made him lose his faith in us?
I was completely heartbroken. I was preparing myself for the worst, that he wouldn't come back. The thought of him being with someone else was making me physically ill. I couldn't understand it. I had given him everything. What more could I possibly give him to make him want to stay with me? What did "they" have that I didn't that he wanted? And what really made me angry, was that we agreed that I wouldn't go over to Notre Dame, I wouldn't go over and talk to and meet new guys (I go to an all girls school). I felt so betrayed.
But then on Friday of that week, he called me. He had been having just about as bad of a time as I had. He still wanted to be with me. He said he never stopped wanting to be with me, he just needed "time." He doesn't know why he did it, or what he did it for, but he still says that he needed that time.
But by that time, I had lost trust. I thought that he would never hurt me, that he would never do anything to make me feel the way I did. And he wasn't even sorry that he did it! Everything that he had put me through in that week, and he wasn't sorry that he did it.
My trust had been very shaken, and it was going to take time to repair. But for jason, time was dwindling down until he graduated. He wanted to spend more time with his "friends," he wanted to hold on to them even tighter than before, because he was going to leave them. I needed Jason to be with me, to reassure me, to fix me. But he wanted to spend time with "them." I needed "them" to disappear, so Jason and I could work on us. We needed to work on everything we felt and thought that week. But it wasn't happening...
So I thought to myself, I tried to image the situation that Jason was in. I tried to remember what it was like leaving high school, entering adulthood, and leaving people behind. I thought "Okay, it's only a couple of more weeks Becky, you can get through this, in a couple of weeks, he'll graduate and it will all be over." I was waiting for him to graduate, waiting for it to be just Becky and Jason again, waiting for these other women to be out of the picture.
Graduation came and went. But it didn't stop. The parties started. He went over to these other women's houses, spent time with them, sometimes even more time than he spent with me. Then he exchanged emails with them. And then he added them to his Instant Messenger. It just kept escalating and escalating. Instead of it stopping and all going away like I thought it was going to, like I had wanted it to, it only got worse.
We had yelling fits, crying fits, screaming fits, angry fits every other day of the week. I just wanted them to all go away. Why was he spending all of this time with other women?! I'm supposed to be the only woman in his life!! I wouldn't mind it, and I don't mind it, if he went out with the guys. Guys need to be with other guys sometimes, just like women need to be with other women. And it wasn't like all of these other women had be friends with Jason before me and him started to go out, I went away to college and he acquired all of them. It's not right, a man who's supposedly in a committed relationship, spending time with all of these other women. And I don't care what he says about just "being friends," at some point biology kicks in.
Jason tells me that he loves me and that he only wants to be with me, and that he has no feelings for these other girls whatsoever. I know he wouldn't do anything to purposely hurt me, and I do believe him when he says that he loves me. Jason is one of the nicest people in the entire world, despite what I've written. Everytime I fear and doubt, he comforts me and holds me and tells me how much he loves me and how he's never going to leave me. We do spend a lot of time together, and still talk on the phone every night. This is the only thing we ever fight about, if it wasn't for this subject, we wouldn't have any problems at all. But everytime I hear that he's planning on doing something with "them" I get this feeling that goes throughout my body. I can feel it start in my stomach and spread throughout the rest of my body. It's this overwhelming feeling of nausia, of anger, of fear, all mixed together.
And then the thoughts creep in. They say things like "what if he's only saying that to calm you down, trying not to hurt you?" "what if he wants to just have his cake and eat it too?" "Yes, he tells you what he's doing and where he's going, but what if it's all a clever ploy to make you trust him while he goes and does something else?" "How can you be sure?" But then I think, he's put up with me for all of these months, all of the crying, the yelling, everything to try to keep me. If he really wanted to be with someone else, wouldn't he have just left a long time ago? I don't know....
I NEED them all to go away. I'm at the point where I can't take it anymore. My only salvation before was looking towards graduation, when I thought it would end. And now summer's almost over, and it still hasn't ended. My emotional state....has been shot to hell. I don't know if I'll be able to handle college this fall, I hope that I will. I can't go through this anymore. If this doesn't end when I go back to college, I'm going to have to leave Jason. I'm almost at the point where I'm going to ask him to choose, me or them. There's not enough room for everybody. But I'm so afraid that he'll choose them. Sometimes I feel like, if he truly loved me, and sees what this is doing to me, that he would stop, he would quit hanging around with them. I know it's unfair to make him choose between his friends or me, but I can't handle this anymore.
It has to be one of the saddest things when two people love each other so much, and want to be with each other so deeply, but can't get past one thing.
So, that's it. That's what's happened thus far. I plan to update this blogger with my feelings. But like it says in the title, this is a blogger I hope won't last very long, that this subject won't need to be written about anymore. If you've gotten this far, congratualations. Did I make any sense at all? Advice is welcome. Email me and tell me what you think:
